Depression

I have recently been experiencing an ongoing depressive episode. It has been challenging in many ways. For me, this time, depression manifested as a bombardment of relentless negative thoughts, rolling through my mind from constant self degradation to fear and anxiety about a terminal cancer diagnosis from every ache and pain I was experiencing in my body. There was a real heaviness as well. Everything felt extra hard, like carrying two huge bags of concrete on my shoulders. I could not muster much energy to ‘do’ anything and for me that was super confronting and frustrating. I like to do. I like to feel like I am in control by ‘doing.’

And here is the big kicker…….I was judging myself for not ‘doing’ enough to ‘fix’ myself. What had all this inner work been for if not to ‘fix’ myself so that I would not have to experience depression again? Herein lies a trap for many of us on the spiritual path. Believing that when we do this work we are therefore in control.

When we do this work we can sometimes judge ourselves as ‘better’ than those who don’t and sometimes even view ourselves as rising above the normal human experiences and emotions that can arise day after day. My son even said it to me once. “Geez Mum, with all the meditation and breathwork you do and look at you, you are still angry.’ And that sums it up my friends….. It’s a common perception, that a spiritual person is above all human emotions and must maintain a calm outer presence at all times and it’s just NOT TRUE!

Human emotions will come and go. “This too shall pass.” If there is any one constant in our human experience it is change. We all know it right? Even when we don’t want to accept it. But, it’s also a good thing, especially when we are experiencing something often viewed as negative like depression.

I thought I had more compassion for people experiencing depression, as I had been there myself. I do, but now I also see there may have been a slight judgment too, that they were not doing enough to ‘fix themselves. I have even described myself as someone who ‘fought my way out of depression’ and that is true from a certain perspective. But, consider this. Consider that I was ‘given’ the gift of recovery from depression. Not through any control that I may or may not have, or through any ‘work’ that I may or may not have done.

In this incarnation, in this lifetime, I have been given, or born with, a propensity, at times, to depression. That does not make me a good or bad person (though I can see now a judgment of myself that I was ‘bad.) It was subtle, but it was there. The judgement. The almost ‘extra’ pain and blame I was still putting on myself and my human experience of depression. I was viewing it as a weakness and somehow ‘my fault’ but, what if, it’s just something that arises for me in this lifetime? Just like the colour of my hair or how straight my teeth are? It’s not my ‘fault’. It’s not my job to control or fix it. It is only my job to experience it.

And yes, all the inner work I have done does enable to me do all the things I can do in this physical body to try and give myself the space to experience depression from more of a witnessing point of view. But, it will come when it comes and it will go when it goes, just like all the other human experiences we experience. I really have no power to control it or fix it….and I think that is where I can sometimes cause myself more pain. Instead of leaning in and experiencing, I want to control and fix and bully that depression back out of my life again because I don’t like it. And, when I think I, (little i) I, have the ‘power’ to do this I can feel frustrated, defeated, unworthy and not good enough.

All the spiritual work does help me to see that this latest episode of depression was also perhaps given to me for a reason. I can only guess at the reasons, but I can perhaps subtly feel them, feel another shift within myself, another learning, another go at leaning in. That may or may not also be a ‘story’ I am telling myself to ‘feel better’ or as a way to explain ‘why’ I had to go through this latest episode. Ha!

So, my friends. Kindness always. Compassion always. Non judgement always (of self and others.) A recognition that even though we may walk this spiritual path we are in no way better than others in our journey together as humans. A recognition that human emotions, thoughts, feelings, experiences will always come and go. Enjoy the ride!