The Abuser

Walking the Shamanic path involves dancing with your shadows. As my beloved teacher Linda Star Wolf often states. “The light, the dark, no difference” After recently completing my Shamanic Initiatory Process with Star Wolf I have uncovered more layers of myself as I walk the Spiral Path. The last few weeks I have felt a stirring. Something coming to the surface. Today it became clearer. Below I share my process.

1. Firstly I have been sitting with it. Noticing it. Being kind to myself for a few week. Life has been busy with kids, school a cyclone etc so trying to make time where possible.
2. Secondly, I have been doing breathwork, meditation and somatic (body movement) practices to help move through whatever is arising.
3. Thirdly, I have been super kind to myself, trying not to get too stuck in the stories my brain is trying to use to attach meaning to what is arising.
4. Yesterday was Sunday and my kids were with their Dad so I finally had some time to go deeper, I sat and wrote pages and pages of forgiveness stories about past relationships. Once done, I burned them all while dancing and letting the smoke from the flames wash over me, but still I was not ‘done’.
5. I started writing again. This time it was more of a ‘channeling’ type of writing. This is a newer type of writing for me but something that has been happening more and more recently, or at least I am more aware of what it is now. I also want to place a caveat here, because I know writing/journaling can put some people off. I has for me in the past. When I was severely depressed I could not write. Nothing would happen. I was too numb perhaps or foggy or just not ready. So, I encourage you to ‘play’ with whatever might be working for you right now. There is no, one size fits all approach to this type of work.

NOTE! I have put the ‘lower self’ conversation in normal text and the higher responses in italics. Please skip over the ‘lower self” conversation if you do not like swearing. I have ‘felt bad’ or ‘wrong’ sometimes for writing this type of language on paper, but I can now see that, for me at least, and at this time, it is a necessary removal of a surface layer ‘stuff’ (like anger and hurt) so that I can really get to the bottom of what my soul is trying to show me: Here is what I wrote:

I’m f’ing angry! How dare you F with me? How dare you hurt me! Why? Why? Why? Victim! Victim! Victim I F’ing hate all men. I F’ing hate all people! F! F! F! Hate! Hate! Hate! Blah! Blah! Blah! What the f’ing F?Why? Why? Why? You F’ing, F’er F! You just hurt yourself all the time. Why am I such a pussy? Why am I suck a soft, fucking, shit, arsehole, dickhead, wanker? I F’ing hate you! You F’ing, F’ers! What the actual F?Who gives two F’s??? U are all F’ing C’s and I hate you all! Etc, Etc…It went on like this…then….You think you deserve things? Ha! Ha! Ha! What the F do you deserve? A slap around the face is what you deserve, you F’ing shit head!

AND THEN, another voice dropped in. Calm and serene. It said, “Hello Abuser. Nice to see you. Hello bully, nice to see you. I hold you in this space. You don’t have to be this way anymore. I love you. I can hold you. This is just the little child in you that hasn’t been loved”

Then more vitriol came out onto the page. It was pretty ‘bad’ but I kept writing what came…the good, the bad, no difference…without judgement. I said things like “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I want to kick your F’ing head in. I hate you I want you gone! etc etc.”

Then the serene voice replied “It’s ok toddler. I’ve got you”

No you haven’t you F’ing F’er! I’m still here and I’m still raging and I still F’ing hate you! (I could feel it in my body as well though I was also separate from it.) You are a pussy Mother F’ker. You Mother F’ing Fucker. I fucking hate you! Do you hear me?? I fucking hate you! I am the abuser! I am in control and I fucking hate you! I get to say what is happening here! I am in control!
(I want to jump in here and say that although I am known to say Fuck, I don’t say Pussy or Mother Fucker or Cunt, so it was kinda interesting to feel and write this as it was playing out!)

And it continued but changed a little as well…..
“I am in control! I am in control! No matter what, I get to be in control. No one hurts me! I hurt everyone else! You are a F’ing mother F’er! I am not fixable!

Then the calm dropped in again “No, you aren’t fixable, but you are loved. You are held. You are acceptable. You don’t have to be the Abuser anymore. You can be love. You can be forgiven. You can let go of the fight. The protective mechanism. No one can hurt you anymore. You’ve got this! Dance! Raise your arms! Forgive! Love! Love is all there is! Then I drew an image on my paper, similar to this below (though no where near as good! Ha!)

But! But! But! I still want to hate! I still want to rage!

“Ok. Go for it!” My higher self me replied “Rage, Rage, Rage, continue to protect yourself but you don’t have to hurt others and you are really hurting yourself.”

And so it continued for a bit “I hate all you, you mother F’ing, F’ers! I am so F’ing angry! I just Hate, Hate, Hate! BUT THEN THIS (a change came)………I want to curl into a ball and fall on the floor and cry and cry and cry. And I had a vision of my shadow self curled up on the floor of an empty room.

So cry, cry, cry.

I hate you mother f’ing F’ers.

I know you are so small. You are so unloved, you are so hurt. Why are you so hurt? Who are you?

I’m me.

Really? Ok.

I just f’ing hate you all! I f’ing hate you all. I’m so fucking hateful. I’m a fucking shit head. Nothing can fix me. Nothing can fix this! I’m unfixable?

I don’t really think so. We can transmute this. There is a higher plane. We can change. We can let it go. We can evolve. You are a toddler human. You are throwing your toys. You are so small and hurt but you can let go now. I’ve got you. You don’t have to rage. You don’t have to protect. You don’t have to hurt others and try to keep them small. There is no need. You are whole. The shadows are you. I can see that shadow. I can see the Abuser.

The Abuser is such a F’ing C%nt!

Yes she is. She’s a F’ing C%nt, but we love her anyway!

She is an absolute F’ing C%nt.

Yes she is but still we love her anyway.

This continued on for awhile until I found myself writing. When will I stop writing this? When will I know I am done? Why can’t I stop this? Why can’t I control her? I hate how she makes me feel.

A response from my higher self. “How does she make you feel?“

Sad, lonely, alone, weird, heavy, ashamed, angry, a victim.

Thank you Sandi for being so brave to face this shadow part of you. She’s awful, she’s icky, she is a F’ing bitch C%nt but she is part of you. It’s ok. It’s ok to see her. It’s ok to feel her. She is another protector you have put in place. You can love her now that you have truly seen her and embraced her. You will work out why she comes up and what she is trying to protect you from. Now she is slumped on the floor. A black mess. You want to stomp your foot on her and push her away but that’s just more shame and avoidance. Hold her in your light. Feel yourself surrounding that black mess on the floor. Help her to stand up. This is who you truly are. You are the light and the love.

I had a vision then of the shadow standing up and I surround her in a hug.

Am I making this up?

My higher self said “Yes you Fucking, fucker!” and I felt myself laugh at the inside joke of my higher self speaking and acting like my shadow self. “She is a friend. She will walk with you now. It’s ok.”

I am tired. I am old. I’m exhausted from this fight.

Yes, the Abuser is a hard one to integrate but you are doing it. Go now. Have a shower. You have done enough.

BUT! I freaking hate the F’ing F’er!

I know.

How long will this go on? Why does this happen? Why me? I am so sad, lonely, confused, tired, exhausted. Does it get easier?

Yes.

When?

Who knows, but you signed up for this work. You are brave and courageous and you want to be a planetary server. Well…… this is being a planetary server. This is helping humanity. The Abuser is a big one to fix. There are many Abusers to ‘fix’ in the world.

How do I do that? How do I help?

Write. Share this. Most people won’t know you were an Abuser. You had the Abuser in you. So did your Father and your Grandfather. You rememberarguments with your ex husband. You wanted to smash him really hard, you wanted to physically hurt him. Instead of continuing in that vein you shut yourself down completely and went into a deep depression instead.

Really?

Yes.

What about my children reading this? What will that mean?

It’s your truth right now. It might not always be the truth as you continue to grow and evolve.

Thank you for this conversation. What now?

I don’t know. Take the next step and see.

Don’t go yet! I want to keep going! Is there more? Fix me! Fix me! Please!!

You are perfect. You are fixed right here right now.

No one will read this because of all the swear words.

That’s ok. It doesn’t matter. It is what it is. Everything will be ok. Remember love.

But I freaking hate love!

Ha! Really? You hate love?

Yes I freaking hate love.

Ok. Why?

Because love hurts, especially human love. It always seems to be wrong. People I love, don’t seem to love me.

Really? So many people love you but do you place expectations on that love?

Yes.

Can you actually accept love?

No.

Why?

Because I am not loveable.

Why are you not loveable?

Because I am me. Because of the Abuser?

Interesting. You are so big Sandi, but you have been hiding. You have been playing small. You have been sitting on the sofa watching Netflix.

I know, but I am so F’ing tired! I am exhausted.

I know. The war is long and real and hard but you’ve got this! We’ve got you. There is so much love. There is so much energy if you just allow it.

But what do I do?

Do?? Be you. Do nothing. All will become clear.

But I want the answers now!

I know. Patience, dear one. Life is unfolding exactly perfectly.

But I am so sad, but I want to help. I want to do it all, and be it all, and fix it all.

But that’s not all up to you Sandi. You are not GOD. You are you and you are finding your way. It takes time. Patience, dear one. Remember that is your word for this year. “Patience.” And Trust and surrender. All will be ok. You will be ok. The kids will be ok. The world will be ok. It will be rough but it will be ok. Just trust.

Ok. Will you tell me what to do next when I need to know?

I will. You are magnificent and perfect. Remember that, even when it may not feel true. We love you. We love the abuser in you. You are you, and you are perfect. We love you.

Thank you! Thank you!

Conclusion: As I rewrote this I wanted to change some bits but I have written it here exactly as it was written as it unfolded. I was truly trying to allow and accept all that was coming through without judgement and I really feel this is the key to transmuting this energy or, accepting those parts of ourselves that we may have suppressed, or not like. I was a bit sick of my victim self and shocked by my angry self. I had thoughts that it was never going to end and I would be writing for days but, it did. As I wrote I tried to remain open to ‘hearing her out’ and ‘letting her rage.’ I hope you can ‘feel’ from the text when the changes happened.

Yesterday after this ‘download’ I felt much lighter than I had for weeks. This morning I woke with a little bit of anger again so I wonder if more is to come. Ha! We will see. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far! I hope it is helpful to you in some way.

Thanks you:

I want to thank Linda Star Wolf and her amazing team for helping me walk with my shadows along the Shamanic Path.
I want to thank Elizabeth Gilbert who writes ‘letters with love’ over on the Substack platform that I think have helped me to develop and given me permission to develop this ‘channeling’ process.
I also want to thank the book ‘Existential Kink’ by Caroline Evans for helping me to see that there is often a part of me that ‘likes’ to be the victim or whatever other negative emotions that might be playing out and for suggesting I turn towards that and see what I discover. In the turning towards that part of self and bringing attention to it the ‘wounded one’ can often be loved and integrated back to the whole.