The death of a loved one

I went to Perth for the weekend with my ex-husband and my kids for my ex-mother in law’s funeral. She lived a long, happy and independent life right until the end so we were sad but ok. She is my ex-husband’s step mother although she married his Dad when he was 16 and was a step mother to my ex for longer than his biological mother, who passed from cancer when he was 10 years old. Over a hundred people attended her funeral. She was a well-loved human and someone I truly admired.

This week I have found myself with some time and space to ponder a few things. Mainly about love and relationships. It has always been my goal to co-parent with my ex to the best of my ability with love, compassion and kindness. At one point though, over the weekend, with our three kids in the back of the car I was triggered by a comment my ex-husband made about me about sitting on the sofa watching TV while the kids were in daycare. It’s an old argument of ours. I always felt, he felt, I was not doing enough.

In my contemplations over the last few days I realized that while I try and heal my own wounds by running the mantra through my head that, even though I was depressed and I wish that was different I truly did the best I could during that time for my kids, my husband and our family. I have subsequently found out that the level of antidepressants I was on should have seen me hospitalized however I never was. I continued to soldier on and always got out of bed and did everything I could for my kids and family.

In later years when I was working from home in my photography business and as a virtual assistant for a legal firm, I would allow myself an hour to watch Grey’s Anatomy as my lunch break. Sometimes my ex would come home at this time and see me. Needless to say I always felt I could never just sit and watch TV at any time he was in the house.

It’s interesting that I still want/need to explain to you above, I did enough during that time! Ha! I am human.

I realized that, even though I had forgiven myself by recognizing that I did the best I could during that time, I was still holding him responsible for not being enough support for me. This appears to be is where my intense anger at him comes from.

I also realized that, in that moment, I was still seeking external validation from him that I did ‘do enough’ during that period. But, he was never going to give me that and again, I was wasting my time and energy seeking that from him. This lesson continues to come up for me! Ha!

So, could I allow that he also did the best he could do at the time and given the level or awareness he had at the time? Could I see that it was also hard for him? Could I offer that grace and compassion and forgiveness? Yes I could. I rang him to tell him this a semi argument started up again.

I have also been watching a relationship counselling program recently on Paramount. I love that stuff, I feel they can provide some real insights. It has perhaps helped me to see some other angles as well.

Firstly, as I have said before my ex  has his perspective and views life through his lens of reality and so do I. He concedes to this but also believes there is an actual reality and gave the example of a train heading north. I agree, from one point of view a train heading north is heading north. But it’s also about perspective. If you were standing at the north end of the train track the train would be heading south!

I realized I wanted him to hear me tell my stories of feeling hurt, alone and abandonment. However, they are my wounds to hold and ‘fix’. In an ideal world if he could say something along the lines of ‘I am sorry you felt that way’ it might help. Instead though he doesn’t want to hear it. He goes into defence mode – I think it taps into his core wounds of not being good enough or a good person and so he deflects, tell me I am wrong, tells me I am not remembering reality correctly and his remembrance of reality is what is the truth. He can’t hold me when I tell him he has hurt me. I get it!! This is a really hard thing for people to do! It’s hard to listen to people when they tell you you have hurt them.

So, what do I do to help myself and ‘heal’ my own wounds? I write this blog post. I meditate, noticing what I am feeling in my body and where. I take extra good care of myself until it integrates or moves on because – this too shall pass. Nothing ever stays the same in our human experience.

During a meditation this week, I had a vison of my 33 year old self holding my first born son as my husband left for work. He said to me ‘you are a mum now’ when I asked what was I supposed to do with this crying child that I had been awake with all night and all week?? This 33 year old woman who felt so lonely and abandoned and desperate.

So, I noticed her. I met her in my meditation. I hugged her. I told her I have got her. I let her feel all of those feelings of pain, loneliness, abandonment, anger, fear and sadness. I let them flow through me and I called her home to me again. This is what my shamanic teacher calls soul retrieval work and for me it really does work! In my experience though it can’t be forced. I did not know this was going to happen. I just allowed myself time and space, kindness and compassion.

Did frustration arise? A little…I thought I was ‘over’s this. My ex even said it to me “I have let this go, why can’t you?” Well, firstly I need to take the blame and shame away from myself for feeling what I am feeling. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me for feeling like this. Emotions and feeling come and go but I have noticed, when this type of ‘wound’ arrives it requires a little more attention. I notice the stories of frustration – I certainly don’t want to be acting out all triggered and losing my temper and having to defend myself in front of my kids. I prefer to heal this wound as best as I can and hopefully do it better next time. Relationships are our best teachers.

Also, in my experience, resistance, shutting down, ignoring only makes the pain, hurt, emotions, unsettled feelings hang around longer or pop up again at some future point. I have had to rest a lot this week. I have had to make time and space.

My new mantra – ‘we both did the best we could during that period of time.’

Forgiveness and letting go is my way forward. This mantra will help me to remember by objective when next these situations arise.

I have loved being with my 33 year old self again. I have loved sitting with her, hugging her, admiring her and I am so glad to welcome her home again. Plus, it wasn’t all bad! As I looked through the old photos of myself back then, there was so much love, joy and happiness! But, there was a little wound there that needed a bit of extra love. Perhaps, it did not have time to be healed back then? Somehow, it had shown up again at this point in my life.

My eldest son, the one who made me a mother, turns 19 this week so again the universe’s timing is so profound!

And thanks to my Mother in Law Joyce who was remembered so fondly by so many people for her humility, grace, kindness and compassion. She is a women who showed me the way.